In honor of Shelley Watter's contest (check it out!), feast your eyes on my 140 character twitter pitch (for a picture book or easy reader):
When a twister dumps a cache of socks near Joey's home in the Aussie bush, she saves them in her pouch & uses them in a surprising emergency!
This was really hard to do in 140 characters! One sentence is easy when there is no character limit, but Twitter really makes me pick and choose exactly what I want to say. Joey is a young kangaroo, and I can't decide if this manuscript should be formatted as a picture book or an easy reader. I have several illustrations and the ideas for lots more, but it might be kind of long for a picture book (~2600 words). What do you think?
PS: I don't know if it's against the rules to share my thought process in writing my pitch, but at first I almost wrote: "When a dust devil rips through the Aussie outback, Joey finds a cache of socks from a farm, which allows her to later help the school bully." I decided it wasn't grabby enough. Then I had: "When a dust devil dumps a surprising cache of socks near Joey's home in the Aussie outback, she stuffs them in her pouch to save for later..." but I still felt it was lacking conflict.
*For any members of SCBWI, I currently have a discussion thread in which I am looking for feedback on my manuscript, and another on my query letter (which obviously needs some changes, now that I changed the genders of two characters). manuscript thread. query thread.*
EDIT: I took LK Gardner-Griffie's feedback and changed it to this:
When a twister dumps a cache of socks near Joey's home in the Aussie bush she saves them in her pouch & uses them in a life or death struggle
Is that better than the first pitch?
NEW EDIT: When a twister dumps a pile of socks near Joey's home in the Aussie bush she saves them in her pouch & uses them in an unexpected emergency
Per Scott's comments, I tried to begin the pitch differently. A new option:
Struggling to grow up without a mother in the Aussie outback, Joey faces challenges with the school bully and her own identity.
EDIT #4: When kangaroo Joey found a pile of socks in the Aussie bush, she had no idea they would help her change the life of the bully who'd hurt her
Why do I feel like this could truly be a never-ending process?!
EDIT #5: When Joey finds a pile of socks in the Aussie outback, she saves them in her pouch & uses them to change the life of the bully who'd hurt her.
*For any members of SCBWI, I currently have a discussion thread in which I am looking for feedback on my manuscript, and another on my query letter (which obviously needs some changes, now that I changed the genders of two characters). manuscript thread. query thread.*
EDIT: I took LK Gardner-Griffie's feedback and changed it to this:
When a twister dumps a cache of socks near Joey's home in the Aussie bush she saves them in her pouch & uses them in a life or death struggle
Is that better than the first pitch?
NEW EDIT: When a twister dumps a pile of socks near Joey's home in the Aussie bush she saves them in her pouch & uses them in an unexpected emergency
Per Scott's comments, I tried to begin the pitch differently. A new option:
Struggling to grow up without a mother in the Aussie outback, Joey faces challenges with the school bully and her own identity.
EDIT #4: When kangaroo Joey found a pile of socks in the Aussie bush, she had no idea they would help her change the life of the bully who'd hurt her
Why do I feel like this could truly be a never-ending process?!
EDIT #5: When Joey finds a pile of socks in the Aussie outback, she saves them in her pouch & uses them to change the life of the bully who'd hurt her.
I love this. I had a small handful of suggestions, but then when I saw that Joey is a kangaroo, my entire opinion changed and I think you've nailed it. Great job of tightening it up, and it sounds like a fantastic children's book. Best of luck ^_^
ReplyDeleteThis sounds great! When you pair "Joey" and "pouch" I got that he was a kangaroo. I would keep what you have. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteI think this is great too. My only suggestion is to make sure they know its for a picture book/easy ready before they read the pitch. That bit of information affects how its read.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
Good job. I just did mine and 140 characters is nothing. I wish I knew more about the surprise because I feel like, at a glance, that's the more interesting part. I'm sure in the story the socks are really cool, but that second part seems like the gotcha moment.
ReplyDeleteWell done. Joey, pouch & Aussie all combine together well to give it the Kangaroo flavor - along with the picture :) I'm wondering if you can take surprising emergency and give us a little more of what the emergency is.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as I knew it was a picture book, I was hooked, too! I so want to read this to my kids. It sounds intriguing.
ReplyDeleteLK, I definitely could if I had more characters to work with! Hahaha! Let me try...
ReplyDeleteGreat pitch Kristen. I rewrote mine to include more action and less adjectives. Could you take a look at it again? Thanks so much! Your pitch is awesome ;).
ReplyDeletebethfred.com
Love the pitch. It sounds fun and lighthearted.
ReplyDeleteWell done! I love Australia, so the kangaroo really appeals to me. The name and pouch definitely let the reader know what the story is about.
ReplyDeleteI love it! I would agree about trying to fit genre in there, but for the contest, it will be in the entry, so I wouldn't use the space.
ReplyDeleteMy only change would be the "uses them in a surprising emergency" part. Can you describe that part? How do the socks play a role later in the story?
ReplyDeleteThis is super cute! I know my niece would love it. Is there a way to cut surprising emergency and put what the actual conflict is?
ReplyDeletebuildingalife, I tried, but I couldn't do it in 140 characters. :( Joey ends up using the socks to save the life of the school bully who was mean to him earlier in the story.
ReplyDelete136 characters:
ReplyDeleteWhen kangaroo Joey finds a cache of socks in the Aussie outback, he didn’t know they’d come in handy when he stuffed them in his pouch.
Ooh! Interesting changes!
ReplyDeleteI like the first one. The 'life or death struggle' seems a bit heavy for a picture book :) I agree that the 'surprising emergency' isn't quite right.
ReplyDeleteGreat job and thanks for participating!
I like the pitch but there is only one issue:
ReplyDeleteOnly female kangaroos have pouches.
I love it too! But yep to John's comment
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOD! John, how did I write this entire story and not think about that?! This is why it's important to get feedback from other people! Easy change, I can rewrite the story to make Joey a girl. It doesn't affect the plot at all. Thank you so much for pointing that out!
ReplyDeleteI really like the second one. It just screams picture book to me! Really good job!
ReplyDelete& thanks for the comment! It really helped a lot! :)
Love it! I know what you mean about the length, I have to re-work mine.
ReplyDeleteI like LK version... though the word cache strikes me as odd for a picture book
ReplyDeleteDefinitely good to know the genre/audience for this one. Your pitch focuses on the inciting incident (the arrival of the socks), though, and not the actual conflict of the story. I'm not well-versed on kids lit (except for reading to my preschoolers), but could you bring that central conflict to the pitch at all? That's what an agent would be looking for. What is Joey fighting for and/or with? What's at stake for Joey?
ReplyDeleteIn line with A.B. Fenner, I was going to suggest as an exercise - lose the 'when a twister' part and see if you get any different ideas. Joey is the character. But what is the conflict? You mentioned something about a bully.
ReplyDeleteI totally got that it was a kids book by the socks - sounds cute and funny
Saying the stakes are life or death seems over the top and vague
So, just my thoughts. I wish you the best!
I like the NEW edit. The original's "life and death" was a bit too much for me for a children's book but the new pitch with, "sudden emergency", is better. I would definitely get this for my niece/nephews.
ReplyDeleteWill you change Joey's name to Joy - since she has to be a girl? Curious.
Great job and good luck!
Oh yes, I forgot to say Thank you for comment on my crit. I made some changes to mine as well and made a NEW EDIT too.
ReplyDeleteThanks again.
I am keeping her name as Joey, because that's what a young kangaroo is called, and Joey could be short for Josephine if anyone wanted to argue about it. Thanks for the feedback!
ReplyDeleteI like your current version best. It's wonderful! I love the socks. I love the promise of a surprising emergency.
ReplyDelete"Struggling to grow up without a mother in the Aussie outback, Joey faces challenges with the school bully and her own identity." - this is just too generic! I mean we could all relate to it, yes, but it lacks the specificity of the first one.
I really like the new edit! Although I wonder, could you somehow be more specific about the "surprising emergency?"
ReplyDeleteLove the kangaroo saving something for a different use later. Good PB premise.
ReplyDeleteAgreed with pp'er that "surprising emergency" may be a little vague.
this is really cute. you are getting closer with each edit. i just hope they weren't my socks!!!
ReplyDeletedouglas esper
Sounds cute, Kristen! I'm glad you changed the kanga to a girl. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is the kind of story I'd love to sit in my 6 yr old's lap.
ReplyDeleteAww I want to read it. Took a minute to get joey and pouch but I am coming to you after a trip to the Grand Canyon and less than 4 hours of sleep.
ReplyDeleteI am off to post mine now! Great job!
This sounds so cute! My only crit would be to call Joey a kangaroo somewhere. I read it at first and thought Joey was a boy until I saw the pouch and then I was a little confused. I love that a pile of socks in a twister is involved! Great job ;o)
ReplyDeleteI left you a comment yesterday at around 4 pm but I don't see it here. (I came back to see how you were doing). I had a power outage yesterday and now I'm wondering if maybe the comment didn't get through?
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts followed along with Scott and A.B., that you put less emphasis on the initial accident of the twister and more on the actual conflict of the story. Since it involves a bully, that is definitely going to catch an agent's eye (think about the recent Dateline special, and the President's new initiative). So make the socks the "unexpected" event, and the bully the big event. Something like (and I had more for you yesterday): "a stray pile of socks plays an unexpected role when Joey faces down a bully." or "The old socks Joey keeps in her kangaroo pouch come in handy when..." "An unexpected (sudden?) stash of socks saves the day when Joey confronts the bully..." Do you see what I mean?
I'm no pro at this, and I know how hard it is! I'm in the contest too.
Good luck. Your story sounds great!
"kangaroo Joey" clarifies it muchly :)
ReplyDeleteHow about combining 1 & 2? (I don't really think you need "kangaroo", but if you do, you can also shorten it to just 'roo.)
ReplyDeleteWhen kangaroo Joey found a pile of socks in the Aussie bush, she saves them in her pouch & uses them to change the life of the local bully.
Looking good :)
ReplyDeleteI'm torn between the first and the last one. The first time you hinted at the use of the socks. The last time, you said what the use might be. Doing a great job :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, beautiful, love it! I just came from Shelley Watter's blog, and wanted to tell you that you nailed that Twitter pitch. Great job!
ReplyDelete